4 A.M. So Quiet.

That moment, between the oblivion of sleep and when my eyes open, finds my head full of words wanting to be written.  On weekends, it happens naturally, to the distant sound of birds, or the lowing of the cows in the pasture just outside my open window.  On workdays, all too often it’s brought on by the alarm next to the bed, or the sound of the Harley across the way, or the rattle of the schoolbus or the snowplow.

This particular morning, it happened with the aid of no sound at all, as far as I can tell.  I simply felt myself stir, and I wanted to write. “I’ll nap later…” I thought, and I was up, dressing in the dark so as not to wake my husband, finding my way through the cats around my ankles to the office, hoping the words would stay with me until I could write them down.

There’s an urgency to it, even when the result is ordinary, simple, and decidedly lacking in profound truths.  The ideas press on me, with the potential of being brilliant, but still fuzzy, amorphous, unexpressed, like dreams.

But however I find consciousness, the words are there.  When my mind isn’t otherwise engaged in keeping my body alive, say, driving on the freeway; or moving from one task to another, solving challenges at work, or deciding how to fit in all the myriad responsibilities of a full life, the words are there. 

Right now, as the coffee bubbles, and wafts down the hallway, smelling so good I can taste it, I stand and walk to the kitchen and pour a cup…but only in my mind, as a wish.  My body will wait until my mind is at ease.

And again, I wish I could access my laptop with my brain, typing away in psychic fashion as I pour the coffee.  But that’s just another form of wanting it all.  Wanting more time, wanting to be paid for it, wanting the written words to match the sense of wonder that I feel when they’re still in my head.  I call myself a writer, and I suppose this is what makes me one. 

This is such a cliché, really.  A writer, writing about writing.  But I have to write. It’s not a choice.  And then, I can finally have my cup of coffee...

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